Rhymes With Orange

Because my Caspie deserves it.

It's been a week and a half since Caspian died. I've been putting this off because if I don't write about it I don't have to actually believe it. At least that's how it works in my mind.

Cas had been fighting a losing battle for over a month, but he'd been so cheerful through all of it. Even with going to the vet four or five times a week, the pills, the shots, the poking and prodding, he had still been his cheerful, sweet self. A little more tired, but still completely himself. When he woke up on Friday, we knew something was wrong. His breathing was so heavy, he could barely stand, and his eyes were completely vacant. No sparkle, just heavy set and full of pain.

We took him in late in the afternoon and spent an hour with him waiting to see the doctor. The waiting room was full of people. Holding their healthy, squirming animals, laughing and sharing stories. We sat in a corner and cried together, taking turns petting Caspie. It's horrible sitting there being torn between praying for it to be over soon and to have just a little more time. Waiting for the time when you will walk out of one of the small rooms holding an empty cage.

The vet and the staff we wonderful. The woman who carried him out of the room cradled him like a baby and cooed to him gently. Calling him sweet pet names and kissing his head. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to have been there with him. She was amazing.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with Caspian's death. He was my boy. My sweet Caspie who used to sit in the window and attempt to chirp at birds. Who put mice in my shoes and stole leftovers off of the stove. Time will heal my heart, but for now I still have many tears.

I love you my Caspian. You are special. You are precious. You are the only cat I've ever seen made completely out of cow fur.

Caspian James Bennet Watrous       June 1st, 2006 - September 21st, 2007

Mama and Daddy love you Caspie.

No Sheryl Crow, change will not do me some good.

I'm having mixed feelings about moving in December. When it comes to moving, I don't deal with the change. At all. I deal with moving about as well as a cat dangling over a tub full of water. It's not that I'm not excited about moving back to the States, because I really, really am excited about going home to US soil, it's just that the anticipation of going to a new place makes me anxious (Did I ever mention I'm just slightly OCD? Just a little. A teeny little bit.) If I could wrap my entire apartment in brown paper and take it with me, I would.

My neighbor of two years is leaving the island forever on Saturday (Did I mention that I don't deal well with other people moving away too? No? Because I don't.) I've tried to talk her out of it, "No Kali! You can't leave! Who will play cards with me at odd hours of the night while Mike is working? Who will have coffee with me in the mornings? How will Caspian survive without your toes? I don't wanna break in a new neighbor!" but she just won't listen. Something about needing to be with her family. Bleh.

I'm gonna miss Kali. I know we'll still be friends long distance, but it doesn't make the sad stop. We've been neighbors for a long time, and she's been there for me through a lot of crazy stuff, and I'll miss not having her next door to me.

I'll miss you Kali. I hope that Maine treats you very well, or I will hafta kick it's butt (Also come visit me!)

soon, I promise

kate will post again soon, i promise.

Until then, enjoy some pictures she updated in the albums... and enjoy me messing around with this post... WEEEE!!!! partay time!

What to talk about.. well.. I need to mention everything in the tags I added so...

Anger: I'm not angry right now

Annie: Hi Annie, i'm sure you'll read this

Bethy: Howdi Beth

Blondness: i'm not blonde...

Books: read any good ones lately? Share them in a reply. I'm fond of Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, chronicals of narnia and dave berry books

caspian: he's doing much better now, we had a major scare with him, but he's recovering nicely.

Chloe: I never noticed both of their names started with C... and here we thought C was for cookie... NO COOKIE FOR JOO

Daily: Hello.. at the tone the time will be 11:40pm on Sunday August 26th.. BEEP

Depression: sucks, nuff said

Family: hi everyone! I dont steal her blog often enough... love ya'll.

Goodbyes: Not yet, still have many tags to go...

Google search: search for my name... youll find some CEO's of coporations and stuff.. interesting.... What are some of the cool stuff that people the share your names have done?

happiness: opposite of depression. Much better and happier for all!

House: it's still standing. We need to repaint it soon...

Japan: it's a country.. we live here. hi Japan! and Hi Yoko Ono!

MSN Search: Did she ever post about google and msn searches? one has to wonder.. reply below.

Mike: Thats me!

Music: Itunes is great...

PMS: Never had it. explian below if you're a male and have had PMS.

Pictures: Weee... kate likes pictures

Piper: God bless her...

Quotes: I wonder what quotes will come from this post...

Random Stuff: i think this post covers this topic itself.

Romeo: poor guy, he was very cute and loveable.. if only he wouldn't have been so scared =/

Sadness: I'm kinda sad after talking about the pippa and romeo... meh..

Television: We'll be glad to watch actual TV... not AFN.. AFn is ok, but i'll be nice to pick whatever we want to watch, not what they want!

travel: Louisiana is next on the travel list

Worries: I worry about many things. Post what you worry about. We can talk about it...

yarn Stuff: I dont have any yarn stuff except the sweater she made me. She should make more stuff for me! I want toe warmers!

permalink: I dont think this is actually a topic, but I dont feel done with this post quite yet...

comments: I expect alot of comments! Now post! Comment away!!!!!

Oh, and thanks for all the birthday comments and replies! If anyone sent me anything personally, i'll get back to you soon! I promise. been busy, very very busy....

I hope ya'll enjoy the post!

-Mike

It's late. And I'm whining.

I miss school.

I miss it so bad. I know all of my friends out there are rolling their eyes and gagging about this because they are all sick of school, but I can't help it. I feel like my brain is atrophying. People keep telling me, "Take online classes! It's great!" but what they don't get is that I don't learn well that way. I was home schooled until twelfth grade and everyday was a battle to get my school work done. I was never finished on time. I was often careless. And I KNOW I could have paid much better attention to what my mom was trying to teach me. My mom is an amazing teacher, but I need the structure that comes with actually being a classroom. I thrive when given a deadline. I both love and hate that knot that in my stomach that drives me. I love being pushed to be organized. My room may have been messy, but my notebooks were always ordered precisely.

I don't know, maybe it's just that my ego needs to be stroked too often, but I miss that tickled pink feeling when you're handed back a paper with an A on it.

Always be my baby.

September 2005, Mike and I found out that he was being deployed at the end of the year. Some how, I got it into my head that I wanted a baby. So Badly. Looking back, I know this was a totally selfish desire, but I was so scared of being alone that the idea of being pregnant became so appealing. We of course didn't actually try for a baby, but this didn't stop me from crying for days every time I got my period. After a few months of this, we had a long talk and decided I needed a pet.

November 2nd, 2005 Pip came home with us. I'll never for the first time I saw her. She was hanging upside from her cage meowing up a storm. A small, wiggly ball of white fur weighing a little more than a pound, tiny enough to fit in the palm of Mike's hand and the biggest ears I'd ever seen. Love at first sight. She was my baby.

After Mike left, I poured all of my time and energy into Piper. We went through hell and back together. She was there when I changed antidepressants and never wanted to get out of bed ever again. She was there when I'd cry so hard from missing Mike that I'd get sick. She was there when I found myself sobbing helplessly in the middle of the kitchen floor from sheer loneliness. And through all of it, she was my constant companion. A small, warm and noisy reminder that I needed to keep going. That life doesn't stop just because you miss someone, and that was what I really needed. She was a gift. Here for the time that we needed her the most.

She was so special, and she brought such joy to our lives. I'm sure that as long as I live I will never meet another cat quite like her. I know that my heart will heal, and there will always be room to love more kitties, but Piper will always hold a place in my heart all her own.

Our last few minutes with her are still fresh in my mind. I snuggled her close to me and kissed her head and quietly whispered, "I'm so sorry Piper. I love you. You will always be my baby. No matter what."

Piper, we miss you monkey.

Piper Jane Margret Watrous                

August 1st, 2005 - June 22nd, 2007

Moving Forward

Thank you so much for all of the love and support that has been sent our way. We are truly blessed by each and every one of you.

Our biggest concern right now is for Caspie. He seems distressed that she never came home, and we've been trying to soothe him with lavish amounts of attention and treats. He's never been alone before, so he's very upset whenever we leave. As the days go on, we're realizing that he's gonna need a friend soon. We haven't begun our search yet, but we're praying that we will be able to find another very special kitty.

We're taking Cas in soon to have a thorough check up done on him, and I'm hoping for a completely clean bill of health.

Thank you again everyone. We are so grateful for each and every one of you.

And then there were three.

My baby is gone. I still can't believe it.

On Tuesday night, Mike and I were playing with the cats when we noticed that the pupil in Piper's right eye was bigger than her left, so the next morning I took her into see the vet. They poked and prodded her. Looked at her eye for a long time and told me to come back next week for a recheck because they were pretty sure it was glaucoma.

She seemed to be fine except for being a little tired until Friday morning when we noticed she was breathing hard. I chalked it up to her eye hurting, but by that afternoon she was breathing so hard we took her back to vet. They listened to her chest and heart for a while before asking us if they could take an x-ray. When the x-ray came back, it was bad news. Her entire chest cavity was filled with fluid, her heart was enlarged, and she had a mass in her chest. The diagnosis was Lymphoma, and the prognosis was she would be dead by Monday. I completely lost all composure and started sobbing hysterically and dry heaving in front of everyone.

We were then posed with two choices: Let her die of slow suffocation over the weekend, or put her to sleep now.

It was so hard. So much harder than the choice we had to make with Romee. Not that it was easy, but he was barely conscious and was almost completely unaware of what was happening around him. Piper was awake and alert. Making noise, giving kisses, purring, trying to wiggle free and explore. She seemed so full of life. I always thought we'd have more time together. I imagined her getting to experience snow for the first time, being there when we brought our first child home, getting to meet mom's dog...She would have loved Maggie. So many things that I thought she would be there for.

We took a long time with her. Trying to soak up as much love as we could. And then the vet scooped her up and took her away. She looked back at me as they were leaving, and my heart breaks every time I picture it in my mind. I hope that she knows we didn't want to make this choice, but we couldn't have bared to see her die in agony. I hope she knows that we loved her so much and that we would have done anything to make her well again. And I hope she knows that she will always be in our hearts. She made such a difference in our lives. She helped us through some of the hardest things we have ever gone through, and she was a blessing to everyone who met her.

I just can't believe she's gone. She was fine on Monday! She was so full of life. I feel like I want to scream. She was my baby! It was my job to protect her and keep her safe, and I couldn't. Not only could I not protect her, but I had to make the decision to end her life. This morning I pulled out to dishes to give them food and started calling for her to come eat. I've almost called out, "Pippa! Where are you bunny?" about a million times. I miss her so much sometimes I can scarcely breathe.

Mike and Casp are taking it really hard. She was Mike's kitty. She adored him. She greeted him everyday after work, brought him her toys, cuddled with him and slept wrapped around his feet. I don't think Caspian actually remembers life before living with us, so he's taking it especially hard. He misses her some thing fierce and has been searching the house endlessly.

I apologize for this post being poorly constructed. I just don't have it in me right now to be creative. I need some more time. There will be a memorial post for Piper though. I just have so much to say right now, but all words seem inadequate to express how I feel.

We are so blessed by all of the support and prayers being poured out by all of you. I can't even begin to thank you enough.

Blank

My grandma Dee died.

I just found out, and I'm still in shock. I didn't call her on Mother's Day. I told myself I should, but I didn't. She was a wonderful person. She wasn't my biological grandmother, but she always treated me like I was her own. She made the best chocolate eclairs and waffles.

She loved the Lord, and I know I'll see her again someday. I just wish I had told her one last time how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. She never tried to take the place of my Grannie Annie, but she did a wonderful job filling in.

I love you Grandma Dee.

Knitterly love needed

I guess this is my day to ask for prayers for people.

Everyone needs to go here and send Kristi of Reddogknits knitterly hugs and love. She is very pregnant and needs our prayers. She was carrying triplets, and they found out yesterday that one of them had died. Please pray for her and the remaining babies that God will keep them all safe and for a healthy delivery.

Thanks guys

Nothing named is ever lost

As I sat there holding his tiny body close to me, I felt the sickness of the bitter irony in my stomach. Here I was holding him like I'd longed to do for so long. To stroke him lovingly, kiss his head, finger his soft ears. And now it was only because I was saying goodbye. I leaned in and hugged him gently. Hot tears stung my cheeks, and I whispered in his ear, "Romeo. You are very loved. We have been blessed to be your mama and daddy even if it was only for such a short time. We have loved you and enjoyed your company very much. You are ours. You will always be ours. We named you. And nothing named is ever lost. We will always love you." And then we both kissed him, and I opened the door, and the vet took him from me. Gently cradling him like a baby and crying herself. And then she hugged me and whispered how sorry she was, and we shut the door. It was over.

Goodnight Romeo. We will always love you.

Romeo Alexander Rafferty Watrous             2003 - 10/11/06