Rhymes With Orange

Because my Caspie deserves it.

It's been a week and a half since Caspian died. I've been putting this off because if I don't write about it I don't have to actually believe it. At least that's how it works in my mind.

Cas had been fighting a losing battle for over a month, but he'd been so cheerful through all of it. Even with going to the vet four or five times a week, the pills, the shots, the poking and prodding, he had still been his cheerful, sweet self. A little more tired, but still completely himself. When he woke up on Friday, we knew something was wrong. His breathing was so heavy, he could barely stand, and his eyes were completely vacant. No sparkle, just heavy set and full of pain.

We took him in late in the afternoon and spent an hour with him waiting to see the doctor. The waiting room was full of people. Holding their healthy, squirming animals, laughing and sharing stories. We sat in a corner and cried together, taking turns petting Caspie. It's horrible sitting there being torn between praying for it to be over soon and to have just a little more time. Waiting for the time when you will walk out of one of the small rooms holding an empty cage.

The vet and the staff we wonderful. The woman who carried him out of the room cradled him like a baby and cooed to him gently. Calling him sweet pet names and kissing his head. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to have been there with him. She was amazing.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with Caspian's death. He was my boy. My sweet Caspie who used to sit in the window and attempt to chirp at birds. Who put mice in my shoes and stole leftovers off of the stove. Time will heal my heart, but for now I still have many tears.

I love you my Caspian. You are special. You are precious. You are the only cat I've ever seen made completely out of cow fur.

Caspian James Bennet Watrous       June 1st, 2006 - September 21st, 2007

Mama and Daddy love you Caspie.

soon, I promise

kate will post again soon, i promise.

Until then, enjoy some pictures she updated in the albums... and enjoy me messing around with this post... WEEEE!!!! partay time!

What to talk about.. well.. I need to mention everything in the tags I added so...

Anger: I'm not angry right now

Annie: Hi Annie, i'm sure you'll read this

Bethy: Howdi Beth

Blondness: i'm not blonde...

Books: read any good ones lately? Share them in a reply. I'm fond of Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, chronicals of narnia and dave berry books

caspian: he's doing much better now, we had a major scare with him, but he's recovering nicely.

Chloe: I never noticed both of their names started with C... and here we thought C was for cookie... NO COOKIE FOR JOO

Daily: Hello.. at the tone the time will be 11:40pm on Sunday August 26th.. BEEP

Depression: sucks, nuff said

Family: hi everyone! I dont steal her blog often enough... love ya'll.

Goodbyes: Not yet, still have many tags to go...

Google search: search for my name... youll find some CEO's of coporations and stuff.. interesting.... What are some of the cool stuff that people the share your names have done?

happiness: opposite of depression. Much better and happier for all!

House: it's still standing. We need to repaint it soon...

Japan: it's a country.. we live here. hi Japan! and Hi Yoko Ono!

MSN Search: Did she ever post about google and msn searches? one has to wonder.. reply below.

Mike: Thats me!

Music: Itunes is great...

PMS: Never had it. explian below if you're a male and have had PMS.

Pictures: Weee... kate likes pictures

Piper: God bless her...

Quotes: I wonder what quotes will come from this post...

Random Stuff: i think this post covers this topic itself.

Romeo: poor guy, he was very cute and loveable.. if only he wouldn't have been so scared =/

Sadness: I'm kinda sad after talking about the pippa and romeo... meh..

Television: We'll be glad to watch actual TV... not AFN.. AFn is ok, but i'll be nice to pick whatever we want to watch, not what they want!

travel: Louisiana is next on the travel list

Worries: I worry about many things. Post what you worry about. We can talk about it...

yarn Stuff: I dont have any yarn stuff except the sweater she made me. She should make more stuff for me! I want toe warmers!

permalink: I dont think this is actually a topic, but I dont feel done with this post quite yet...

comments: I expect alot of comments! Now post! Comment away!!!!!

Oh, and thanks for all the birthday comments and replies! If anyone sent me anything personally, i'll get back to you soon! I promise. been busy, very very busy....

I hope ya'll enjoy the post!

-Mike

And then there were three.

My baby is gone. I still can't believe it.

On Tuesday night, Mike and I were playing with the cats when we noticed that the pupil in Piper's right eye was bigger than her left, so the next morning I took her into see the vet. They poked and prodded her. Looked at her eye for a long time and told me to come back next week for a recheck because they were pretty sure it was glaucoma.

She seemed to be fine except for being a little tired until Friday morning when we noticed she was breathing hard. I chalked it up to her eye hurting, but by that afternoon she was breathing so hard we took her back to vet. They listened to her chest and heart for a while before asking us if they could take an x-ray. When the x-ray came back, it was bad news. Her entire chest cavity was filled with fluid, her heart was enlarged, and she had a mass in her chest. The diagnosis was Lymphoma, and the prognosis was she would be dead by Monday. I completely lost all composure and started sobbing hysterically and dry heaving in front of everyone.

We were then posed with two choices: Let her die of slow suffocation over the weekend, or put her to sleep now.

It was so hard. So much harder than the choice we had to make with Romee. Not that it was easy, but he was barely conscious and was almost completely unaware of what was happening around him. Piper was awake and alert. Making noise, giving kisses, purring, trying to wiggle free and explore. She seemed so full of life. I always thought we'd have more time together. I imagined her getting to experience snow for the first time, being there when we brought our first child home, getting to meet mom's dog...She would have loved Maggie. So many things that I thought she would be there for.

We took a long time with her. Trying to soak up as much love as we could. And then the vet scooped her up and took her away. She looked back at me as they were leaving, and my heart breaks every time I picture it in my mind. I hope that she knows we didn't want to make this choice, but we couldn't have bared to see her die in agony. I hope she knows that we loved her so much and that we would have done anything to make her well again. And I hope she knows that she will always be in our hearts. She made such a difference in our lives. She helped us through some of the hardest things we have ever gone through, and she was a blessing to everyone who met her.

I just can't believe she's gone. She was fine on Monday! She was so full of life. I feel like I want to scream. She was my baby! It was my job to protect her and keep her safe, and I couldn't. Not only could I not protect her, but I had to make the decision to end her life. This morning I pulled out to dishes to give them food and started calling for her to come eat. I've almost called out, "Pippa! Where are you bunny?" about a million times. I miss her so much sometimes I can scarcely breathe.

Mike and Casp are taking it really hard. She was Mike's kitty. She adored him. She greeted him everyday after work, brought him her toys, cuddled with him and slept wrapped around his feet. I don't think Caspian actually remembers life before living with us, so he's taking it especially hard. He misses her some thing fierce and has been searching the house endlessly.

I apologize for this post being poorly constructed. I just don't have it in me right now to be creative. I need some more time. There will be a memorial post for Piper though. I just have so much to say right now, but all words seem inadequate to express how I feel.

We are so blessed by all of the support and prayers being poured out by all of you. I can't even begin to thank you enough.

Skeletons

I've been completely switched over to the Prozac for a few weeks now, and I think it might just be what I need. At least for right now. I've lost a teensy bit of weight, so I'm finally starting to feel that there will be hope for me to be able to take off all of the weight I gained on Celexa.

I've been trying to write a post about my past for a very long time, but somehow I just haven't been able to make it sound the way I want to. It's really hard to relive some of these things. It's just so easy to leave your skeletons in the closet and forget they ever existed, but if you don't ever look back on who you were and what you've come through how will you ever know that you've grown?

I have been greatly encouraged and inspired by people like Dooce who have been so open about their battles with depression and anxiety, and I think it's time that I shared a little because maybe, just maybe, somebody who really needs encouragement will come by someday, read my post and realize that it's okay to get help. So, here goes everything.

I've been dealing with generalized anxiety and panic disorder since I was very young. It wasn't really bad until the year I turned fifteen. I don't know what exactly triggered it, but it hit me really hard one day. Out of the blue, I had my first panic attack. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I wanted to run away, but my legs couldn't move. I wanted to hide, but there was no where I was safe. I huddled in the corner of my parent’s bathroom till the feelings slowly subsided. Afraid that something was wrong with me, I didn't tell anyone about what had happened. The next two months were pure hell.

My life was one giant panic attack. I would wake up in the morning with a racing heart and urgent need to run away and then go to bed that night with the same feelings. As soon as one attack subsided, the next would begin. I lost weight because I was always in the bathroom. I stopped eating because I always felt nauseous, but didn't tell anyone. I kept a smile on my face and managed to laugh. Inside it felt like I was drowning. Slowly thoughts of how I could escape crept into my mind. If I just took too many Advil...if I ran the car into a tree.... With each thought, a new wave of panic would spread over me. I kept telling myself, "Kate, this isn't you. You don't want to die. Life is worth living." and I knew it was the truth. I didn't want to die. I wasn't suicidal, but these horrible thoughts kept coming to me. Terrified that I was going insane and that they would lock me up, I kept everything that was going on inside of me to myself. My only source of comfort was the Psalms I had memorized and would say to myself while I grasped at the threads of my psyche.

One day, I finally told my mother. I blurted it all out. Within a few days, I was at the doctor and on antidepressants. The panic attacks stopped and the thoughts of suicide that had plauged me subsided. I started to feel warm again inside. The numbness slowly melted, and I could feel myself returning to normal, but there was always this part of me that felt like a failure. Felt that maybe if I had tried just a little harder. Maybe if I had been just a little bit stronger. Maybe if I had done a little bit more, I could have beat it on my own instead of just giving into taking medicine.

For six years now I've been on antidepressants and continued to struggle with this feeling of failure. It's just been in this last year that I've come to realize that taking antidepressant isn't an easy way out, or about giving up. It's about living. And not just being alive and miserable, but being alive and actually feeling alive. I can finally see that I don't just take them for me. I take them for Mike. For my family. For the furry terrorists who chew up toilet paper rolls and try to eat my yarn. I take them for all the people who love me because their lives wouldn't be better without me, and I thank God for the ability to live a normal life. If this is my cross to bear, then I praise God that He has provided me with help.

And that's my story. Now look at this furry kitten because that post was a real downer.

Book 'em Danno

My post has absolutely nothing to do with the title. I just love saying that to people.

It's been raining and grey outside for 4 or 5 days around here. Most people are feeling a little down and wish the sun would come back. I, on the other hand, am loving the rain. The sunshine here isn't good. It's vacation sun. It's great for going to beach and swimming, getting a tan, etc. But it's not good to live in all the time. After months of straight Okinawan sunshine, I get depressed. It stops being nice and starts to become mind numbing.

The rain is a huge relief to me. I walk around outside, stare at the grey skies, feel the chilled breeze and drink in the drizzly rain that hits me. It makes me feel like I am at home. In this weather, I can close my eyes and see myself standing in the field next to my parents house walking around and drinking in the crisp fall atmosphere.

All is right with Okinawa when it rains.

Nothing named is ever lost

As I sat there holding his tiny body close to me, I felt the sickness of the bitter irony in my stomach. Here I was holding him like I'd longed to do for so long. To stroke him lovingly, kiss his head, finger his soft ears. And now it was only because I was saying goodbye. I leaned in and hugged him gently. Hot tears stung my cheeks, and I whispered in his ear, "Romeo. You are very loved. We have been blessed to be your mama and daddy even if it was only for such a short time. We have loved you and enjoyed your company very much. You are ours. You will always be ours. We named you. And nothing named is ever lost. We will always love you." And then we both kissed him, and I opened the door, and the vet took him from me. Gently cradling him like a baby and crying herself. And then she hugged me and whispered how sorry she was, and we shut the door. It was over.

Goodnight Romeo. We will always love you.

Romeo Alexander Rafferty Watrous             2003 - 10/11/06

Romeo...my Romeo...

Romeo passed away early this afternoon. We took him to the vet and after they drew blood from him something disterbing was discovered. Romeo had only .6% red blood cells. Normal is 30%. He was suffering tremendously and having a hard time even drawing breath and keeping his eyes open, so we made the hardest decision we've had to make since we were married: We had Romeo put to sleep.

I'm cringing as I type. The words look so cold on the screen. They stand out and scream at me. Put to sleep. As if it were all that simple.

Bad, bad blogger

What can I say? I'm sowwy. I've neglected Rhymeswithorange. This week has been very rough. I've been working on getting off an antidepressant I've been taking for a while. It worked well in the past, but it has suddenly stopped working. Instead of taking care of my anxiety problem, it increased it causing me to mood swing with abandon. One minute I was so happy I could burst, the next I was furious and screaming at people and finally it would all end in tears. This was happening several times a week. So now I'm getting off of it and on to another. Nobody mentioned withdrawal symptoms though. I look like someone who needs a cigarette. Badly. I'm jittery, twitchy, and I don't feel like having anyone touch my skins. Oh, did I mention that I've got the attitude of a cranky seventy-five year old man? "Darned kids these days! Where are their parents? Who's idea was it to vote for Bush anyway? Eh? Eh?" And then I've got a sudden urges to whack people with an umbrella.

Grieving

I missed Mike's first phone call in three days because I was at the pharmacy. I want this deployment thing to end. I've changed my mind. Bring him home, send the other person who wanted to go! I want my Mike back.

*Update* After an hour or so of PMS induced tears, Mike called back and made everything better. Thanks everyone for the cheer up. Ya'll are awesome. Even better than salt & vinegar potato chips, and that's saying A LOT (I've consumed two large bags so far this week, if that gives you any idea). Thanks ya'll. So, so much =)